Dark Enlightenment: Why Success Can be a Sinking Ship (And Why I'm Okay With It)
Breaking the Infinite Possibilities Cult: How Embracing Failure and Individuation Leads to Authentic Self-Realization
"Madness, mayhem, erotic vandalism, devastation of innumerable souls - while we scream and perish, History licks a finger and turns the page."
— Thomas Ligotti
Having endured generational child abuse and surviving my own psychosis, I ultimately chose to take a risk and follow my dreams. I became the first in my family to break the mold. I published multiple books and turned my trauma into a YouTube channel, where I raised awareness about spiritual bypassing and the importance of doing inner work and confronting the psychological shadow.
1500 videos later, bad luck and self-sabotage destroyed the project. Everything I touched turned to stone, despite the positive energy I projected into the cosmos.
No matter how hard I worked—probably harder than anyone else out there, maybe even in the entire universe—I kept sabotaging myself. Despite having no shortage of talent and producing quality content, it seemed like the whole system was rigged. Nevertheless, I persisted, even as it drained my self-respect.
Perhaps the most frustrating part was seeing people with much lower-quality content thrive on YouTube. These creators produced poor content that still attracted attention, gaining likes, followers, and rapid growth, along with massive view counts.
Meanwhile, I rarely attracted more than 10 viewers during livestreams and averaged about 150 views. Many of my followers confessed they didn’t understand why I hadn’t reached a million views.
So I went into conspiracy theory mode, blaming YouTube algorithms and nefarious agitators. But in the real world, I can only blame myself for not knowing what the hell I was doing by making every mistake in the “what-not-to-do manual” for content creators.
Additionally, a harsh reality that tone-deaf singers waiting in line at an American Idol audition often ignore is that childhood programming and luck play a major role in success.
This is a scientific fact: Most people don’t achieve their dreams, no matter how hard they work. This is considered taboo in the “infinite possibilities” cult. However, all is not lost. Rational optimism is the safety net for subjective mountain climbers who are naturally wired for gardening.
The key is realizing that you are barking up the wrong dream . . .
The Work Worth Doing
Some might question why I advocate for soul growth while holding a pessimistic view of life. That’s a valid question.
The answer is that I believe the process of individuation is essential for survival, contentment, and authentic happiness. Once we break through the delusions of our egoic fantasies, we can find the life we are wired for, and do that!
Sometimes, the best medicine for the craving for success is failure. This is the blessing of the dark teacher, the dweller on the threshold faithfully haunting our certainties.
Therefore, it doesn’t alter my pessimism and merely shows that someone can experience existential meaninglessness while, out of necessity, still engaging in work and achieving results through the inner path, the rewards of which are imperative.
Such benefits include:
The psycho spiritual release of trauma.
Freedom from defeating beliefs.
The blooming of one’s soul.
Ultimately, this leads to self-realization and the illuminating truth of life's meaninglessness, which ironically enhances the wonder of the present moment. One essentially stands as a liberated soul in the mud of existence.
The horror and beauty of life dance together on the same stage, and, maybe, the most revealing is that we are “being lived” in the drama by the universe. Not only are we watching the show, but we are also being watched in the show. A paradox worthy of a hangover.
Consider this the unveiling of the middle way of Zen, the balancing of apposing forces of occultism, the union of opposites, and the alchemical marriage.
We must dispel our illusions and evolve into a place of authenticity by dehypnotizing ourselves. We must wake up from delusions that make failure a surprise. The work of self-liberation, even when it appears to be going somewhere, is an esoteric journey of undoing the false by entering the void of our egos.
The “getting somewhere” is more like “returning somewhere.”
This is the Gateless Gate, the Pathless Path, the Doing without Doing.
Misery and Bliss in Harmony
Am I happy when chronic dread assaults me? Yes and no. Ironically, I can’t help but feel strangely privileged because I know I am moving through the tension of life, not escaping it. This is the doorway. The path to contentment.
How can misery and bliss coexist peacefully? It’s a fascinating combination. One realizes that misery isn’t as dreadful as it appears because it fosters self-understanding. There’s a certain sense of calm comfort because you’re not resisting what you cannot control—this is a great Dark Enlightenment.
Self-denial is nothing more than combing the mirror to comb your hair. There’s no way out until you see that the reflection is an illusion.
Oh, I could delude myself with toxic gratitude. It puts a sexy spin on the drama. I could be grateful that I get to sweep the deck of the sinking ship rather than being chained to the oars, or flogged instead of being thrown to the sharks. But that doesn’t change the fact that it’s been sinking ever since I arrived.
Consciousness is both a marvel and a horror, as it brings death anxiety due to the awareness of our mortality. One can only wonder if the universe is playing a cruel joke on us primates.
The key difference between the enlightened and the unenlightened is that the former meditates on corpses until they burst out laughing, whereas the latter watches zombie movies.
The Lie of the American Dream
A good example of “sinking boat denial” is following one’s dreams. Our culture thrives on the idea of the American dream. And yet the middle class is an illusion designed to keep us in a chronic state of guilt for not working hard enough, while ascension seekers passively blame our failures on a low vibration.
And then there’s the denial committee lecturing us to stop blaming our childhood to keep us on the treadmill of hope. These are the type that believe bad things happen to good people because of karma, bad thoughts, and God’s judgment, because they can’t handle the truth:
Bad things happen to good people, and good things happen to bad people all the time.
Just do a Google search on the tragic deaths of newlyweds, and you’ll find several news reports: a bride dying in a car accident on the way to her wedding, or newlyweds murdered on their honeymoon. The list goes on and on. We could throw in the report of the innocent child being eaten alive by a lion. Another choice horror.
This is why people like us who utter these profane taboos are called black sheep, spiritual refugees, trauma survivors, and truth addicts. We know awakening is a bitch. But we are the ones who get the balcony seats.
Much like Hollywood, you must maintain the illusion of the story. The theme is fading, the American dream is unraveling, the ship is sinking, the circus performers are dancing, and the sapiens are knocking down the cocktails.
Maybe the gnostics were right about the demiurge, that’s why they came up with the creepy Lovecraftian name— Yaldabath.
Thank you for reading,
― Zzenn