Why You Should Stop Waiting for the Universe to Apologize
Beyond Karma and Chakras: Finding Peace in an Unjust Universe
You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well, you might find, you get what you need.
— The Rolling Stones
I spent 40 years sitting in a waiting room, holding a ticket I thought entitled me to a much better life. I thought to myself: I did the work. I healed the trauma. I broke the cycle. Where is my reward?
I am writing this during the slow season of my irrigation business. I am over 60. I have arthritis in my lower back, and I have finally realized that the “Manager” of the Universe is never coming out to apologize for the fact that I’m still digging holes instead of living my dream.
I climbed out of the pit of generational child abuse. During the ’80s and ’90s, I rode the wave of the self-help movement with everything I had. For most of my adult life, I worked on my inner child and embarked on a heroic quest to fulfill my purpose. I gave it 1000%.
And where did it get me? Homeless in a van in the desert.
I’m not playing the victim. I honestly did everything they said to do. But I discovered a hard truth that the self-help industry refuses to admit: Luck and chance play a massive part in success.
The “Just World” Lie
We are brainwashed by a lie called the Just World Hypothesis. It is a secret contract we think we signed with God, Source, or the Universe. It says:
If I am good, good things will happen to me.
If I work hard, I will succeed.
If I heal my trauma, I will be happy.
But here is the uncensored truth bomb:
The Universe never signed that contract.
Nature is not moral; it is mathematical. It is chaotic. The housing market doesn’t care if you wrote a brilliant memoir. The arthritis in my back doesn’t care that I depend on my body to survive.
My parents didn’t reject me because I wasn’t good enough; they rejected me because they were projecting their own shadow onto me. They had broken hearts and broken minds.
We grieve the loss of this “Fair World.” We suffer cognitive dissonance when we realize our parents — and our gods — are not the benevolent protectors we imagined.
Trauma, Not Karma
I used to ask: Why was I traumatized? Why was I raised in poverty while others were raised with safety and money?
Humans love stories like “Karma.” We want to believe that when something bad happens, it’s a lesson or a debt from a past life. But looking back, I don’t see a lesson. I see intergenerational trauma.
I was born into a long line of generational abuse. I was the fortunate individual who, according to New Age silliness, “chose” to join this family and suffer for a lifetime. I don’t know about you, but I cannot imagine a “me” in another dimension choosing to jump into this genetic pool unless I was on a hero’s journey, even though I rescued my inner child. However, I question my soul’s sanity. Fairness suggests there is a Judge. But in the irrigation ditch, there is no Judge. There is only dirt, gravity, and the limits of the human spine.
Obviously, there was no one “up there” protecting me. You can Google the news any day of the week: A beautiful bride and groom get hit by a truck and killed on the way to their honeymoon. A tornado flattens a church full of praying congregants. And conversely, people who do practically nothing stumble into massive success. The scientific consensus on success often leans toward 70% luck and 30% hard work. That is a cold fact that wishful thinkers do not want to confront.
The Spiritual Reality Check
This doesn’t mean there is no spirit. Due to my deep research into Near-Death Experiences (NDEs), I am convinced we live in a realm beyond this body.
But I agree with the Gnostics: This world is a prison. We are infinite awareness trapped in a primate experience. The universe manifests as a human, participates in the struggle, and then leaves. Waking up to this — true enlightenment — is actually a depressing moment. It is the cold, hard truth of an alcoholic waking up from a bender and realizing he has to face everyday life.
Tearing Up the Settlement Check
As long as I believe life should be fair, I am a victim living in a fantasy. I am constantly looking for the person or the God who “owes” me.
The Victim says:
“This isn’t fair. I shouldn’t be digging holes at 60.”The Survivor says:
“This sucks. But I am still digging. And I am still writing.”
My motto has become: “Everything sucks until it proves me different.” That sounds cynical, but it keeps my expectations at zero, so I can only go up from there. Ironically, this makes me happy.
We imprison ourselves by constantly imagining the things we want. It is like we have to be delivered from our dreams. We need to pursue our goals while keeping our heads straight. We need to know that the universe is indifferent. Only then can we rationally achieve the practical things within our reach — like a diploma, a job, or a moment of peace — rather than waiting for a magical bailout.
Dignity in the Dirt
That apology will never come. The skinny, abused child inside you won’t get the childhood he deserved. We must stop waiting on the porch for our drunk dad to come home and apologize, and instead focus on what we can do now.
Hope is a tricky thing. It keeps us alive, but it can also be a trap. Not everyone can become American Idol. Thank God for Simon Cowell, who pops the delusion before it destroys the person.
If you go to a spiritual teacher who tells you that aligning your chakras will get you a Lamborghini, I say go for it. Meditate for the fun of it. But laugh at the Lamborghini.
The game is rigged. Life isn’t fair. But maybe, if we lower our expectations and appreciate the breath in our lungs, we can find peace in the dirt.
There is a story called Acres of Diamonds. It’s about a man who wanted to be rich, so he sold his farm to go on a quest to find diamonds. He spent his whole life searching and died broke. Meanwhile, the person who bought his farm was digging in the backyard one day when he found the largest diamond mine in history.
I don’t know if I’m standing on diamonds. But I can see the steps before me, even if the options are undesirable. And as a matter of course, there will be the positive naysayers who virtue signal their creative outlook on life as if you are refusing to be happy.
The glass-half-full perspective is essential, but if you don’t admit the polarizing glass-half-empty, you run the risk of buffering your consciousness from the truth, which makes you susceptible to toxic optimism.
Human consciousness is both a wonder and a horror, which is why we are nature’s storytellers. How could humans have survived over the centuries without myths of celestial benevolence and justice?
“No mud, no lotus.”
— Zzenn